Things We Never Said
by Darifica
Summary: Hikaru comes to the same place on the same date every year. Rather than bringing forth pleasant memories of his irreplaceable mentor, the ritual he performs reminds him of his own wrongdoings, leading to feelings of guilt and regret. Unbeknownst to him, Sai never held anything against him. He only wanted to remain by his side.
1. Hikaru

It's the fifth of May. I'm in a dimly lit room, a lone figure reflecting on the past in the form of a single scrap of paper and a standard, dull pencil of lead that has seen better days, much like its wielder.

_Ne, Sai, do you still remember? Do you remember how I refused to believe your words when you told me that you were slowly fading away? It must have been so painful. I was selfish. I kept thinking that after I let you play Touya Meijin, you would be satisfied for a good while and peacefully allow me to strive ahead and focus on chasing after my own rival. Not once did I really take the time to understand you and your motives. Truthfully speaking, you were lonely the entire time we were together, weren't you? Tell me the truth, Sai.. Please tell me..._

I pause my hand as a single salty droplet lands on the paper and blurs out the next words. Rubbing my glassy eyes, I regard the stain only for a brief moment, before sliding my hand down to the bottom in order to put my innermost regret into words.

When I feel that I've gotten the message across, I let out a shaky breath, fingers trembling as I put the pencil down and fold the note into a simple, rough origami crane. The best my clumsy, go-oriented hands can do.

_To be honest, there were times when I wanted to know more, but I just didn't know how to ask..._

Walking over to the rusty window, I crack it open and allow a gust of wind to sweep the paper figure in my palm away.

_...and you know what pains me the most? All these little things left unsaid between us. I know there were a ton of things you were trying to tell me before you left, but I wouldn't listen. Likewise, I didn't tell you how important you were. It's my own fault that I am now drowning in regret. But if.. If we were to ever meet again, I promise I will tell you everything I wanted you to know, in person.. and I hope you'll do the same._

As I calmly watch the heartfelt words slip out of my reach, I lean onto the window pane, a solemn smile gracing my features.

A meaningless ritual, some would probably say, but it's my way of coping, my way of dealing with the sudden hollowness that strikes this time of the year, every year. Without it, I'm afraid I would start to convince myself that it was all a dream. That Sai never existed. My current life wouldn't have had the same significance if I hadn't met him. I wouldn't have found my purpose. And this is only one of the reasons why I'll come back to reflect on my past actions next year just as well as the one before and the one after.

_I may be undeserving, but.. but please wait for me, Sai. I will dedicate the rest of my life to attaining what you never had the chance to. Only then can I genuinely face you again._


	2. Sai

**AN: Alternate take on Sai's last moment with Hikaru. I wanted to make his fading away a slightly slower process than in the anime/manga, so there would be more time for him to reflect on his own disappearance and what Hikaru truly means to him before the actual.. poofing (for lack of a better word) happens. ****Basically, this is my headcanon. Hope you'll enjoy.**

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_I can't be disappearing yet. I can't.. There's so much more I want to accomplish.. and to teach Hikaru.. Hikaru..._

I look over at the exhausted form on the opposite side of the goban, my heart clenching at the sight. He's about to be lulled into sleep any second. I won't even be able to say goodbye properly like this. He'll surely misunderstand.. He'll think I chose this fate if I don't say anything.

"H-"

My voice won't come out. I panic and stare at the large sleeves covering my arms. They're slowly becoming transparent. I'm.. I'm fading. _No! Hikaru! Wake up!_

"H-!" I try again, to no avail.

_I don't want this.. I'm not ready yet. Please.. Give me more time, please!_

While most of my ghostly body is still intact, I can barely see my limbs anymore. It'll be too late soon. And Hikaru won't budge. He's leaning onto his hand and his eyes have already drifted shut. He won't be waking up to ever speak to me again. This is.. the end. My only chance to bid farewell and it has become apparent that my words will go unheard, that my last game of go will be an unfinished one. There is no fairness in this world. Perhaps it's for the best, to leave it. _But I..._

My eyes water as I, with a bitter smile, regard the teenage boy before me, he who has been my whole world for the past three years.

_Hikaru.. I wanted to reach the hand of God. That was my sole purpose for possessing you in the beginning. At first, you were just a boy who happened to be able to see me, my key to the outside world of go. But I need you to know that I've gained a lot more than I ever expected._

_I'm sad that I won't be able to play Touya Kouyou again. I won't be able to watch the progress of his son's career and its impact on you and vice versa. I won't learn new things from the strange place called the internet. But most of all, it saddens me to know that I have to leave you._

_It's quite strange, how mistaken I've been. I always thought what I wanted the most was to be able to play go, that nothing could ever compare. Now I know it's not that simple. What I failed to learn in my life, I learned after death. The feeling of a close, irreplacable bond. I never experienced something to this extent, even with my parents, or Torajiro. Only with Hikaru. Why it was Hikaru who found me, I now know, but I won't be around long enough to figure out why this is the most painful parting one could ever begin to imagine._

_What I know for certain, Hikaru, is that I do not want to leave you, at any cost. If only I had a choice in the matter.. But it's too late. It seems that my role has been fulfilled and it's time I face the truth; I was never the one destined to reach the hand of God, and at this point, I serve no more purpose._

I blink and a tear falls, dissolving before it reaches the fabric of my robe.

_Please don't feel bad, Hikaru. You have humored me long enough, and just like I have to move on, it's time you focus entirely on your own future. We will meet again one day, definitely. I will wait for you. I might even pay you a visit in your dreams. _

_I have faith in you and I know that you will keep playing for as long as you are capable, possibly even longer than that. So I only wish you could promise me one thing; Never forget. I know I cannot._

The exact moment my view of the teenager's room slowly starts to crumble into darkness, I notice Hikaru quietly mumble something in his sleep, just before the twitching of his eyelids. This small movement from the boy feels almost like an unconscious acknowledgement of my request and a sealed promise in our fogged minds, and though my eyes are still wet with unshed tears, it ultimately allows me to part with a slight smile of affection on my lips. Contrary to my initial panicked state, a sudden feeling of calmness and reassurance washes over me.

_Let us finish the game on the other side, Hikaru._

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**Welp, that's it for this fic. Feedback would be greatly appreciated.**

**Honestly, I had in mind for the feelings they have for each other to be something platonic, but it's okay to interpret it however you want. I left it a bit vague after all. **


End file.
